From the Book, Chapter Two, Apartment of Her Own
Observe
July 11
A family crisis has prevented Lisa from meeting with Marilyn for some time, but when she reconnects, the two converse as if they’d never been apart. They are sitting at a picnic table under a tree in Edgewater Park, which embraces the Lake Erie shoreline. They are near the parking lot. Lisa wonders why Marilyn has picked this table; others are much closer to the shore, where they would have a panoramic view of the water, the sky, and the industrial cityscape to the east.
Marilyn eats a sandwich and chips she brought in a brown paper bag. She drinks the usual—Pepsi—and talks openly and rapidly about a range of topics. First she tells Lisa that the employment specialist has not yet found a culinary training program. She is waiting for a letter from the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation (BVR), which is supposed to enroll her in a hospitality training program. She is on a waiting list for an apartment. There will be a unit open in mid-August, she says. (The building is owned by the same social service agency that owns the group home.) It seems Marilyn has proven that she can complete chores and keep her room clean. The housing specialist who had been helping her relearn the routine thinks she is ready. This surprises Lisa. She wonders whether the housing specialist and the group home supervisor are moving too quickly: Only four months ago they had threatened to evict her from the group home for not doing required chores. Lisa wonders, “Should they give her more time and test her ability to maintain the routine?” She also wonders how long it will take before Marilyn loses motivation.
Lisa also wonders how Marilyn might be dealing emotionally with pending separations from friends at the group home and co-workers. Although a new job and a new home will create new opportunities, they will also create losses and hence loneliness. Imagine times in your life when you felt the pain of loss from a change in residence, a move, or new job. Lisa asks for an update on relationships with people in her helping network and gets this summary:
• Her mom: Nothing to report.
• Her sister: “She listens to me. She decided that I did not want to fight with her any more. She helped me when my mother wasn’t around. Took me to doctor’s appointments and knew I needed help, even though I wasn’t talking about it or acknowledging that I needed help.”
• Her nieces (six and nine years old): “I can relate to them as a kid. I’m not a typical adult. I play and have fun with them. I don’t want them to feel neglected. They are my world right now. I’d do anything for them. They can’t get enough of me. They like me. They love me. They tell me they love me all the time.”
• Group home supervisor: “She’s like a mother to me. I can talk to her about stuff that I can’t talk to my mother about.”
• Work supervisor: Nothing to report.
• Housing specialist: Nothing more to report.
• Case manager: Nothing to report.
• Counselor (who replaced the nurse–counselor): Nothing to report.
• Psychiatrist: Nothing to report.
• Her friend Virginia: They met at social activities at the social service agency. They like to hang out together.
• Her friend Dolores at the group home (the backseat driver): “She’s the first person who made me feel good about myself and comfortable when I moved into the group home. She can relate to me. She’s one of my best friends. We talk to each other. She listens to me. I don’t have to sugarcoat what I say to her. She’s kind of a role model for me. She’s fifteen years older and grew up in the 1960s.”
• Her ex-boyfriend, Frank: Marilyn has a lot to say about him. She says, “This is the best guy I ever met and the best relationship I’ve ever been in.” Marilyn met Frank at the lumberyard, where they both worked. He was polite. He was kind. They had conversations.
They talked openly about family. They did not sit in her room and play video games and punch and wrestle like a brother and sister. This made her feel mature. They talked of marriage. She told him of her desire to be a stay-at-home mom and to cook fresh, hot meals for her children. They talked about the house they would own and how they would raise their children. The relationship was great. Then, one day, out of the blue, Frank told her they had to be “just friends.” He explained that he was in his first six months of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the group discouraged romantic relationships in the initial period of recovery.
As Marilyn tells her story of heartbreak and loss, Lisa notices something significant. She does not seem overwhelmed. Frank had given her a good reason for the breakup—one for which she is not to blame—and maybe this has eased the hurt. Lisa wonders whether a battle is beginning to take place in the woman who sits across from her, a battle between accepting the separation for what it is and blaming herself. She wonders whether this is a calm before the emotional storm. Lisa tries to assure Marilyn about the benefits of not being in a steady relationship. She says, “This will give you some time to get into the culinary arts training program and to get your life in order.” “Yeah, I know, but what if he meets somebody else?” Marilyn changes the subject, suddenly, and tells Lisa that she has her temporary driver’s license. Lisa, genuinely surprised and proud, admires Marilyn’s courage and determination to achieve this milestone by herself. Lisa cannot contain her joy. Her smile is wide. Marilyn smiles, too. She says, “I got it May fifth.” “That’s awesome!” Lisa says. “How did you do that?”
Marilyn explains that a friend took the test for a temporary license and that she had gone with him for moral support. He convinced her that it was not hard. After the test, he gave her the study guide, and when he went back to take the driver’s exam, she took the exam for her temporary license. Marilyn tells Lisa, “I want to get my license before the temp expires.”
Reflect
In the Introduction, we wanted you to know something important about how we think about independence: It does not mean that our clients become rugged individualists. Independence is not the absence of relationships. Independence, for us, is a specific way of relating with others, one in which our clients identify what they want and need, set goals, and assert themselves to interact and negotiate with others to obtain, to achieve, and to live with success and satisfaction. Independence may occur when your client uses all three domains, feeling, thought, and action, to positively influence and be influenced by the people with whom they relate: family members, friends, co-workers, teachers, neighbors, landlords, and service providers. To achieve her goals of becoming a professional cook, living in an apartment of her own, and starting her own family, Marilyn must be supported by relationships.
You should notice in this scene how Marilyn reports nothing about her relationships with service providers, except the very significant one with the group home supervisor. She also talks with feeling about her friend Dolores. In these cases it is important to wonder with your supervisor and treatment team about the effect of such a move on your client’s emotional well-being. There is no doubt that she will experience this as a significant separation from important people. In short, she will feel loss. The sadness and grief created by a separation like this may contribute to a crisis; it may cause her to miss work or important appointments or feel profound sadness. Marilyn wants an apartment of her own, yet she also has important relationships at the group home. And although you can feel her ambivalence about the pending move, she does not put these feelings into words. Conflicting feelings are natural. We all have them. Sometimes we suffer with ambivalence, that is, we are in a constant battle with our own conflicting feelings. Imagine a time in life when you struggled with ambivalence: “I want this boyfriend, but right now I feel the need to finish school.” You go back and forth, back and forth, unable to resolve the conflict. Soon, however, you work through the feelings. You decide to leave your boyfriend and go to school. You are sad at first, but soon you are studying hard and finishing your coursework.
In short, you resolve or work through the conflict. Not everyone is so lucky. The conflict goes on and on. It is better to become aware of conflicts and to use them to your advantage than to let them hide and linger, like a ghost, sneaking around and finding expression in unpredictable ways.
* * *
There is more evidence of ambivalence in this scene. Marilyn has expressed a desire for independence, yet she is twenty-three and has not learned to drive until now.Most people, especially in this culture, begin driving in their teens. Some would argue that the car is crucial to our passage from adolescence to adulthood. It is significant that she has made this effort to learn. Notice, too, that she did this in relationship with a peer, who offers inspiration and encouragement. There is something important about the way Marilyn and her friend relate. Note it. When your client makes an unexpected step toward independence, help her become aware of it. Ask what was helpful about the relationship with her peer. This awareness will help her make constructive use of other supportive relationships.
Begin by helping your client understand the positive influence of this relationship in all three domains: her feelings, her thoughts, and her actions. Start with a general statement and question: “What a wonderful feeling you must have had getting the temporary driver’s license. I wonder how you did that.” Remember, this is your feeling, not hers, at this point. For example, in the domain of feeling, you might say,
“From what you’ve told me, your friend was feeling proud about the exam. It seems to me that you were feeling pride with him and used that good feeling to study for and take the exam yourself.” For thinking and action, you might say, “You studied for the test and remembered the rules. You also went to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles, took the test, and passed it. You did this for yourself, thinking and acting in ways that have given you good feeling. You understand that doing for yourself does not mean you have to be alone. Doing for yourself also means using the inspiration and support of people you trust.”